who am i?

Identity is a hard thing. I have been really struggling with that especially in the midst of my eating disorder. I have been on a mission to find out who God made me to be and how to live in that. 

As I mentioned before with all of the ups and downs of my career path/plan I had to re-evaluate who I was and who I wanted to be. I had partially put my identity in always knowing what I wanted to do. I was going to become a dental hygienist there was no if about it. When I started questioning that decision I started to question my identity. It left me feeling lost. 

Over time my eating disorder started to take over my life. I lost all sight of who I was. I was wrapped up in the thought that the way my body looked defined me. This obsession made me question my personality. Was I being the person that the people around me wanted me to be? And then it came to a point that it didn’t fully matter what others were thinking or wanted from me but who I wanted to be. I was so exhausted mentally and physically that I removed myself. I retreated back into my shell. I felt as if I was always faking it. Pretending to be fine even to my family. All I wanted to do was to be alone. I was numb to any type of emotion: happiness, excitement, disappointment, anger. 

This past march I went to Nashville with my mom and sisters for my twenty-first birthday. Up until this point I was making some progress with recovery. Sticking to my provided meal and exercise plan. I knew that I had gained a little bit of weight back (which didn’t feel so little to me) and my clothes were fitting differently. Which let me clarify that for a little over the past year I have strictly stuck with oversized sweatshirts (even during the Texas summer heat). They were simply the only thing that I felt okay in. So with this upcoming trip I had to prepare and pack outfits that did not just include sweatshirts. The intrusive thoughts started to take over. 

On this trip I found myself playing a part. I felt as if I had to be funny because I was the ugliest and biggest one of the group. For some context let me tell you a little bit about my sisters. They are both incredibly gorgeous with a good sense of style. They both enjoy and bond over new products and new techniques and trends of make up (and I love them a ton). I felt so incredibly uncomfortable that the majority of the time was spent thinking about my body. And naturally as any other trip there was lots of picture taking (a true nightmare for me). The previous progress I had made was from that point on a figure in the rearview mirror.  

That trip left me shaking in my boots. If that was a hint of what recovery was going to be like then I wanted no part of it. If it was going to be me being the comedic relief for the group and me having to basically just get used to my body then no thanks. (we can argue about this statement later Kara-my therapist). So this brings me back to my original question. Who am I? Well that's what I am still trying to figure out. I want to be free of the eating disorder but it scares me to see what that will leave me with. 

I don’t have a “solution” or a happy ending for this one yet. I am still waiting. Recalling all of these past stories and God moments give me some hope that in time he will answer this question for me. And it will be far greater than I can imagine.