Bibbidi bobbidi boo

     It has been awhile since I have taken the time to sit down and write not only for the blog but just in general. My reasoning behind that is that I don’t ever want to write something that does not come from the Lord. I want to just be a vessel for his truth that he has demonstrated in my life. I have prayed continually for him to give me (in good time) the next thing for me to share. Now I have something!! 

    This past week I finished my ED treatment program. After 16 weeks, roughly 120 days, and I don’t even want to know how many hours haha, I am finally finished. Thinking back from where I started to where I am now I have definitely made good progress but that does not mean I am recovered. And coming to that realization was a struggle. I felt like I had been told from the very beginning of my ED journey that a higher level of care would do the trick. So I had this notion in my head that I would be completely recovered. I would not have any food noise, I would be confident, and I would be able to get back to my fully functioning self. On the flip side I was totally convinced that there was no possible way for this to work. Both of these thoughts were quickly debunked within the first week of treatment. But it takes a lot more than someone telling you that it can take up to 7 times in a higher level of care, continual work with an outpatient team, and an insane amount of commitment in order to learn it for yourself. 

    I voiced my belief that treatment was going to be this “magical wand” that would cure me of all of my problems to my therapist. She told me that to some extent that would be a helpful mindset. But only if I was doing the work to make the wand do its magic. And well, that is not how I was thinking of it. My plan was to white knuckle my way through this thing and the “magic”  would follow. This stumped me for a while. There is another way to do this without white knuckling?? That was news to me. I realized that I white knuckle the majority of the things I do in my life. Yep, I'm a professional white knuckler.

    I obviously had to also confess my disbelief in the whole process. The solution for this one was going through the motions and experiencing it for myself to believe that it could work. Basically what I am saying is that it was a juggling act. I needed to do the work, not white knuckle it, have hope that it was going to work but know that it was going to take effort on my part. There unfortunately was no magic wand. So I needed to be all in but cautious at the same time.   

    This got me thinking about all the other things in life that we have to be cautiously optimistic about, and that require us to give our all but not over-extend. Let me just tell you. The list is LONG. I sat on this thought for a while until one night I was praying about what I should write next here and it hit me. The only thing we can fully believe in and put all our hope in is Jesus. He is steadfast in all things. We don’t have to have a guard up when it comes to him. In fact he asks us to fully and completely surrender all things to him. And as a follower of Christ we put our hope in him as the provider that will carry us across the finish line. 

    Hope in him. How do we do this? We have to read his word and follow his example. Okay Lord, I am doing these things for my walk with you. Does the same apply for treatment? To some extent I think it does. I needed to do the work that was given to me by my team and listen to the therapist, dieticians, and fellow patients' experiences in order to learn, progress, and grow. But my ultimate hope and trust needed to be and is in God for full recovery. 

    So I finished my program. I learned the difference between white knuckling and going through the motions. I am not recovered but I am on my way. I still have food noise but I also have a lot more God noise. I am more educated in more ways than just nutrition, digestion, movement, and the scientific processes all of the above. I am more aware of God’s presence and provision for my life. I am still cautious about going all into recovery but I am not scared of going all in with Christ. There might not have been a magic wand hidden within the program but there sure is one in my life and it is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And that is enough for me.