sabbath season

         Nobody wants to be labeled as lazy. Well at least I don’t. I have never wanted anyone to think of me as anything related to being lazy, unmotivated or not productive. To be quite frank I didn’t want to be considered anything less than perfect (can you tell I’m a perfectionist?). I continually pushed myself and felt praise for filling my schedule and getting involved in anything. I mean everyone tells you when you are in college to take every opportunity and go to as many things as possible but don’t you dare let your grades slip. It’s taxing to say the least. The worst part is that I needed to be able to do all of those things to the best of my ability. Which again is praised. I would work myself up over all of it and not enjoy any of it. But that is not the case nowadays. 

    Since being home and not being a full time student after having a 20 credit hour spring semester load it was quite the switch up. And one would think that I would enjoy each thing that I got to do. WRONG. Because you know what didn’t change? My anxiety (she’s sneaky like that). I have realized that I just adapt to whatever responsibilities I have and can’t imagine doing more even when those responsibilities are the bare minimum. I find this sort of embarrassing and frustrating. But what I don’t account for is the mental toll that is happening in my brain every second.   

     My day to day became the same and I fell into a routine (I love a good routine if you didn’t know) of waking up, doing my devotional, working out, and eating (and sprinkle in a little bit of reading and weekly therapy and nutrition appointments). But still I was exhausted. And to an outsider it looked as though I was doing nothing. People would ask me what I had done that day and when I would tell them the few things that I did I never felt like it was enough. It wasn’t impressive. And I felt ashamed. I would get the occasional “so you did a whole lot of nothing” as a joke but I would take it as confirmation that they thought I was lazy. But they couldn’t see the internal battle and the work that I was putting in.   

    I would bottle up my “stress” and feelings of overwhelm because it seemed that everyone around me had actual responsibilities to do and things to juggle. I learned to do this the hard way after confessing how I get stressed if I wake up past a certain time and I was met with “why Bekah? You literally have nothing to do.” So to this day when explaining what I have been up to I preface it with “it was really nothing but…” I even started a part time job working for my dad and I cannot seem to find it in me to call it a real job since I get to pick my own hours and the work is relatively simple but time consuming. I never want to be the person that complains about my current situation whatever that may be when someone else is going through much harder things. But as my mom recently helped me realize, we should not be comparing people’s hard. What is hard to me may be easy for you and vice versa. 

    My slow schedule has been something I have had to adjust to. I have felt all of those feelings about not doing enough, feel like I am wasting my time and all the other negative emotions you can think of. I am working on reframing my mindset to being grateful for the ability to take this time. God has given me all the resources and support to slow down. I still have to take it day by day but I am working on trying to give myself grace in this season of healing. I have to remember that even God, the maker of heaven and earth, took a break on the Sabbath. So in a way, I am in my sabbath season.