treatment?

 I have been trying to find the best place to start off my official blog posts. There is just so much that I want to say and everything feels very interconnected. I never thought when I was thinking about actually following through with this blog that my main problem would be having too much to say haha. I want to share the events/things that happened that led me to this point while also just sharing what is on my heart at this moment. I have decided that I am going to try and do both. My mom made a good point that all of the stories I have to tell are based on the times that I had to fully depend on God to get me through. It was through these stories that I have full faith that I am going to make it through this one because of him. So I want to share the biggest question and situation that I am facing right now. The one that is leaving me in this spot of surrendering it all to the Lord. 

            So in my outpatient treatment the discussion of going to a higher level of care is the main topic. So much so that I have already reached out to multiple treatment facilities and programs to get more information and complete their entry assessments. If you don’t know anything about eating disorder treatments there are multiple different levels: outpatient (which I have been doing for, at this point, a year and some change), IOP (intensive out-patient), PHP (partial hospitalization program), and residential. Basically the assessments you do with a clinician assess the status and severity of the eating disorder and then they recommend which level of treatment would be best fitted for you. 

The topic of higher level of care has been tossed around a couple of times but has fizzled out in the past. Mainly due to my objection and willingness to “try harder” to follow what my dietician and therapist are telling me to do. And that saved me a little bit of time. What were some of my objections? Well the main ones were: I could NEVER do any type of group therapy, I could not live with a random person (but don’t worry I was reassured that you don’t share beds…whew that was a relief considering I didn’t even know that was something I should worry about). And as soon as they said my stay at the facility could take months so that I could “get used to the changes in my body” yeah, no thanks. All in all it was sounding more and more like a bad summer camp. And I already hate regular camps. 

I was formally diagnosed with Anorexia a year and a half ago. I have worked with many professionals and made progress only to slip further back into the hands of the eating disorder time and time again. It feels like I have tried just about everything. Switched meal plans multiple times, limited exercise, taking a semester off from college, being home, having a meal planned, made, and plated for me (with no overseeing and not on my time. Talk about hard. I am a control freak can you tell?).  And I keep striking out every time (I’m practically the Rangers at this point haha). So what's left? 

Yep. treatment. So not fully persuaded I have completed some assessments. When I got the call back about what level of care they recommended according to my status my heart sank when I heard the words. Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP). Just using the word “hospitalization” hit me. Has it really gotten this bad? Am I so far gone that I have to do this? How? There is no way. But apparently there is a way and I have my blinker on waiting to make the turn.   

During times like this I try to rely on ways the Lord has provided for me and picked me up when I was lost, crippled with fear and anxiety. Remember how he used that hard for good. This is like that. When everything feels hopeless. When you can’t imagine a life outside of this. When you don’t know what's on the other side. When I am at a crossroads, choosing between life with freedom or life with an eating disorder. I need to rely on HIM.