left behind

The feeling of being left behind is one that I know far too well. Normally when using the phrase “left behind” it is in the realm of not being invited on that vacation or shopping trip. Everyone around you is getting married and you are still single. Friends are having kids and you aren’t there yet. People are moving and embarking on new adventures while you are still sitting on your couch (me lol). While, yes, I think of all of these things as well, the main one that hits home is feeling behind in life as a whole. Stuck in place. 

Once it was decided that I would be staying here for this past spring semester all of these thoughts and fears of being left behind consumed my every thought. And to me, in my mind, they became a reality. Let's be completely honest, no one wants to be the person to come home from college and live with their parents (even though in some ways it is a dream to live here again). The feeling that everyone that was observing my life from the outside was thinking that I was some type of failure was too much for me to handle. I was overwhelmed in every way. Focusing on recovery, putting on a fake smile to everyone around me, having to explain what I was doing at home and my plans (or lack thereof),  trying to figure out those so-called “plans”, and battling in my mind my own fears of failing. And those didn’t even compare to the feelings of being left behind and watching all my friends and family move on with their lives. Everyone was working towards a goal and what was I doing? Floundering. 

As I mentioned before my “plan” was to move in with my sister Anna. When this plan was cooked up it revolved around my attending a dental hygiene program. We talked about it so often. Looked around her neighborhood for other apartments and discussed what furniture we each had and what we would need. We dreamed about what it would be like to live together once again. And then that plan crumbled. More like I was replaced. The plan was moving forward just not with me. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. The final nail in my “future goals” coffin.  I in no way feel like everyone should have put their lives on pause. And I expect and want them to grow and flourish but that does not mean that I can not be sad about it.   

In this season of my life my “accomplishments” aren’t physically visible. They are all internal. While those are still very important it is hard to compare it to the physical accomplishments of others. I am continually reminding myself to trust the Lord and His timing. I don’t know why all of this is happening but I know that He does. But that doesn’t mean that it is easy and I don’t feel the pain. 

Lysa Terkeurst in Your Going to Make It writes: 

“We Have a choice to make today. We can look out and see the unlimited, abundant opportunities God has placed before us. To create. To serve. To love, To heal. To accomplish. Or we can stare at the opportunity another person may be stepping into right now and get entangled in the enemy’s lie that everything is in scarce supply. Scarce opportunities. Scarce possibilities.     

I think that this speaks truth to the feelings that I have on a daily basis. I can either be grateful for all the things that the Lord has already given me and the down time he has intentionally given me or I can be envious of others' successes and be full of self pity. So I think I have a choice to make this morning and every morning to come. And you have the same choice. Your situation may look different than mine but you still have the choice to make the most of it and believe that even though we can’t see or feel it; that he is working.