in silence

  I am going to be honest here. I needed to take a little bit of a break from writing because I was getting a little grossed out with all of the sharing of feelings (haha). I have also been struggling these last few days in all areas of my life. I have been frustrated with my circumstances and lost in where to go next. I am trying to focus my thoughts and time into the Lord to help me see the little speck of light at the end of the tunnel. So in the meantime, I wrote this a while ago and still wanted to post it. 

 Recently I have started going on my walks without listening to music or podcasts. I did it for the first time over this past Easter weekend and it was life changing. Spending an hour with just your thoughts and the surrounding sounds of nature is very recharging. I like to spend this time praying or as of recently thinking through what I want to share on here next. As rewarding as these silent walks are now they were not always restful. 

As I have said before, my first response to anything stressful and anxiety provoking is to avoid and distract. Distract myself from my own thoughts. Never be alone in the quiet. I would constantly need loud music playing, a movie or show. It was even hard for me to  just be around people because the whole time I would be thinking about how they didn’t have this stressful thing looming over them. In my mind, their lives were stress free. It was not hard to find distractions seeing that we carry around the ultimate distraction device. So the thought of spending an hour alone with my thoughts was not fathomable. 

As my relationship has grown with the Lord I have been able to take these moments of silence and receive peace from them and not anxiety. While this is not always productive seeing how I can easily get distracted by the…oh I don't know? the questioning of where squirrels go during a storm (this may or may not be true). Or when I pass someone: “wow their perfume or body wash smells good. I wonder if I smell good?” And I sometimes even fall back into the habit of thinking and rethinking about all the stressors of my life and increasing any anxiety I already have. So I have to simply (not always simple) refocus my thoughts on Him.  

Regardless of the distractions I find that I have to purposefully be alone in the silence in order for me to fully pray and listen for the Lord. These walks give me the time to give God my undivided attention. This is still hard at times when I am extremely worried about something but they have decreased significantly. A song I love that speaks to sitting in silence with the Lord is “Quiet”(stripped version) by Elevation Worship. I really urge you to listen to it and really focus on the words. 

Not every walk I go on is in silence but I have found that doing it at least once a week is beneficial. And now that it is getting hot they are becoming few and far between. Because I definitely need a distraction to keep my mind off of the scorching heat.